Thursday, August 7, 2008

Disproportional Responses or When the "Crime" Doesn't Fit the Punishment

There are a few blogs I visit daily.. one is Narcissists Suck .

Today I'm going to share something I found on the Narcissists Suck blog..

I hope it will serve as an eye opener to all.. but most of all I am hoping that people will begin to recognize alienators have personality disorders... especially the severe alienators in my humble opinion they suffer from the far end of Nrcissism perhaps crossing the line over to Sociopaths. (See links to the right .. -
The Sociopath Style under "If your an alienated parent ..."

If you live with this kind of person.. know you are being abused.. if you are married to someone that acts like the article below.. get help NOW.. you are in an abusive relationship!

If you are an adult or a young adult and you grew up in a home with someone that fits the description below.. and you are or were estranged from one or the other parent.. know you may be a victim of being alienated.. understanding and accepting that this was part of your life can be the first step in healing.. there is hope... lots of it... I was an alienated child... and only after I was the target parent later in life did I put it all together.. I sought professional help..

God I love my therapist!

Oh yeah.. I altered this a drop to be gender specific also.. (my site gets men and women forced into the gender wars.. I do what I can not to add fuel to that fire)

So without further delay .. one of the many things about my estranged husband way back in my naieve days was...

Disproportional Responses or When the "Crime" Doesn't Fit the Punishment

One of the often used tools in the narcissist's manipulation toolbox is disproportional response. This technique is highly effective on adults; it is devastatingly effective on children.

Any abusive tactic is targeted at one goal: control. The narcissist is consumed with controlling his/her version of reality which means he/she must control you in order to maintain a sense of the world as he/she has defined it.

The narcissist attempts to maintain "order" and internal cohesion in himself/herself by shaking up your world. By confusing you, he/she gets to feel sane. By fragmenting your reality he/she gains a sense of wholeness. Yeah, it's twisted.

He/she keeps you off-balance by his disproportional reactions to minor affronts. He/she rages suddenly over what seems like nothing. It is nothing. That's part of the point. He/she punishes over the tiniest infractions to throw you off balance by confusing you. You gently disagree with him/her on some minor point and he/she throws a giant tantrum. Or you may have no idea what you did, but suddenly you have an enraged beast going for your throat. You start walking on eggshells around him/her. You never feel completely relaxed in his/her presence because you never know when or where the next outburst will come from.

There is an important thing to know about the narcissist's rages. A narcissist doesn't rage the way normal people do. The narcissist is in total control of his rages. They are calculated for effect. When a decent person experiences rage it is the result of extreme provocation. While experiencing the rage, this person feels out of control and it takes some time for the feelings to subside and some great effort at self-control.

So when we are confronted by a narcissist's rage we wrongly assume they are feeling what we would be feeling if we were enraged. You are wrong in this belief. If you've been in the presence of narcissistic rages often enough you've likely seen that they can turn it off and on like a switch. If you haven't seen this, then try this: rage back at them. Watch them crumble into a helpless, whiny little suppliant. Or simply walk into a room where other people are and watch them flip the switch to "off". Watch them pick up the phone during one of their rages and suddenly act completely normal. This is not normal rage. This is contrived rage. They are in complete and total control even while your eyes and ears tell you they are out of control. They are using rage the same way they will use their sexuality, or their charm...for effect only. They are trying to control you with it.

The use of disproportional reactions by the narcissist will usually contain some level of rage as its component, which is why I took the time to describe what narcissistic rages are all about. Be assured that this is an abusive tactic. Don't accept it. Let them taste their own medicine. If you are willing to put up with the inevitable fall-out then get in the narcissist's face with your own disproportional reaction. Interestingly, just about any abusive tactic of the narcissist can be turned around on them. It is about the only way to penetrate their frustratingly thick skulls with any impression of your displeasure. Turning their own weapons against them can be highly effective. Don't try this with a narcissist whom you have reason to believe could turn violent though. The less confrontational approach would be to simply refuse to put up with the disproportional responses by demanding just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore their unpredictable, volatile behavior. They can be conditioned to somewhat modify their behavior. Like any dog, they are not likely to keep up a behavior that doesn't reap rewards. They'll move onto their next obnoxious trick. Really, what is the point of keeping these bastards in your life?

If you have children with a narcissistic spouse, you owe it to those children to get them away from the narcissist parent. This type of abuse is extremely destructive to the hearts, minds and souls of children who have no power to get away from it. The capricious and disproportional reactions are corrosive to the child's sense of security which will undermine a child's psychosocial development.

(My two cents here --- the statement above--and below is/are the reason(s) I will NOT stop my fight to get my children away from Mr Wonderful-- even if I have to ((legally--note to my stalker--don't be putting words into my mouth)) take down every Judge to achieve it!)

This abusive tactic sends adults into tail spins...multiply that effect many times when trying to measure how children are affected by it. If you're any kind of decent person, save your children from your narcissistic spouse. I could fill books with descriptions of the private terror a child under the care of a narcissistic parent while the other parent worked 16 hour days and closed his/her eyes to any evidence of abuse. Whatever you may be experiencing doesn't begin to compare with the reign of terror your child is enduring.

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