Thursday, May 14, 2009

A post for someone very special, a dear friend of mine

This post is for only one person.. well, let me rephrase that.

This post was originally born for ONE PERSON..

Or is it to all of the adult alienated enmeshed (damaged) children like myself.

Which by the way if you're a regular reader of this blog.. you more than likely are.It might not make any sense to most.. don't ignore it, thinking it isn't meant for you..

This post is mainly for the only person that will be able to fill in the blanks..

But anyone that reads my blogs regularly will benefit from the bottom line message here.. you will see things in a new light after reading the meat and potatoes of this message .. I'm sure.

I'm having mixed feelings right now..

I just heard (fill in the blank) newly added songs..

There is a 30 % chance that you added those songs as a passive way to saying something. Theres a 30 % chance the latest song is to someone that has been there all of your life.. then again there's a 10% chance the song is random and not meant for anyone's ears (yeah right)... so with all this in mind.. if it is there for my eyes and ears since you know I have access to your profile where as the other person doesn't.. here goes then.. the following applies... on the other hand the following applies in either case.. about the situation in general.

I'm hurt, (the "I'm" here, can be substituted for anyone of you that finds themselves in this situation after reading the whole post)

I'm almost envious..

How do you do it?

How do you twist reality so well and make it work to your advantage?

How do you get away with lying to yourself day after day?

The only thing about me that I wanted you to be like, was..

Accountable and aware!

Accountable to yourself, your word, your happiness, your empty promises, your relationship!

Aware of who the real problem was.. and what your role in the problem is..

I figured out what my role in my problems was..

But when all is said and done.. your 100 % right!

How dare I try to show you how you keep getting in your own way...

How dare I try to show you what is causing your misery, when I could have proved it!

How dare I try to make your life happier.. your environment better, and rid you of your self sabotaging drama..


Your right... I was the enemy.. and the others were the good guys.

The someone that told me (fill in the blank) were just like my kids.. was so right!

The abuser isn't seen as the abuser, they are seen as the good guy..

I thought you learned that lesson with the way my children cling to their abuser. I thought you had seen the enmeshment from another point of view with my children and jerky boy.

Do you think (fill in the blank) enmeshment with (fill in the blank) is any different?

No it's not.. it's exactly the same.. I knew that in the summer of 2007...

I tried to warn you... I told you (fill in the blank) would alienate and destroy (fill in the blank)

You said NO (fill in the blank) WONT!

Look back.. didn't I call it? How did I know that? I've lived to much life.. that's how.

How don't you see it? Denial is a wonderful place isn't it?

My children live there also... denial.. that's the only way the ego can accept the enmeshment is to deny it!

It is then that the ego begins to blame everyone else... the ego starts using every defense mechanism available to filter out reality!

To protect it's host from the painful reality... the reality that the person they loved their whole life is an EVIL person.

A person that is out for themselves.. and has and will continue to destroy their own.. to get what they want!

You couldn't be more accurate .. what a POS I am for wanting to open your eyes to the way (fill in the blanks) allow the snakes in... to the way (fill in the blanks) keep doing this over and over.

How dare I bribe my therapist to agree with me!

Can you ever forgive me?

I know I should have just allowed them to cause all the drama they wanted and involve me...

The therapist says (fill in the blanks) need a lot of work.. maybe after that work is done things will look a lot different.

By then it'll be to late for (fill in the blank)

But hopefully my therapist and (fill in the blank) can make (fill in the blank) life happier.. (fill in the blank) deserve it!

You say I don't want you to have feelings?

NO! That's a lie.. I've said when we think with our hearts we fall victim to abusers, I NEVER said you can't have feelings! I said when trying to see the truth of an issue USE CRITICAL THINKING.. meaning to put emotional distance between your emotions and facts, logic!

Below is some food for thought..

In family therapy when the therapist tries to invoke a reaction especially one of rage.. from their clients.. there is always a therapeutic reason for this.. The party that got this message would do themselves a world of justice if they went along with what their therapist is trying to do.. many people from enmeshed families.. transfer their pent up anger onto their partners.. they go through their whole lives trying to recreate their childhood and "get it right" this time.. they unconsciously choose a partner that they feel can be substituted for the problem parent.

While consciously they believe they are choosing a partner who is nothing like the problem parent.

What inevitably happens in these cases is the adult enmeshed party begins to force their partners into the role of the problem parent.. unconsciously trying to recreate the childhood drama... unaware of this twisted truth, the targeted partner begins to hurt.. and react!

Then the enmeshed (damaged) adult believes the partner IS the problem.

When in reality it is only unconsciously the adult believes the partner IS the problem parent and they transfer their anger to the safer target.. their partner..

While the real target is spared the rage. It would be to frightening for the enmeshed adult to confront the problem parent with all the anger and rage they have inside.. so the partner gets the brunt of it!

When an adult enmeshed (damaged) child does this in their relationships they hurt.. they self destruct.. the destroy their own happiness!

It's a sick circle - but it plays out over and over until both adult enmeshed child/children] in a dysfuctional relationship "gets it" and becomes aware of the patterns they keep on following..the stages they keep on setting.. therefore recreating their own unhappiness time and time again... all the while swearing on a conscious level they are choosing a new partner that is nothing like the old partner... or nothing like the problem parent... when in fact nothing could be further from the truth! Each player is/was dysfunctional and unconciously willing to play the dysfunctional role for you to play out your childhood misery! I know that game.. I allowed my dysfunctional childhood to set me up to play my estranged husbands dysfunction. I even allowed it in two later relationships.. until I GOT IT! It was then that I said Oh hell no.. no more!!

It is very rare that one half of a dysfunctional couple grows enough in the dysfunctional relationship so that they "get it" and don't allow themselves to be manipulated into playing out the role of the problem parent for their that their partner gets another bite at the apple. [another chance to "get it" right with their problem parent using the partner as a stand in role model]

Usually these dysfunctional couples hurt each other over and over and never understand why.. or how this happened..

It is even more rare when the one dysfunctional part of the couple is able to "get it" and show the other part of the dysfunctional couple how they are self destructing.. it is then that the healthier part of the dysfunctional couple departs.. they see it, their partner refuses to "get it" and the healthier partner knows the unhealthy partner wont stop hurting them.. they wont stop, until the unhealthier partner finally learns this life lesson and stops the merry-go-^%$#-round of their dysfunctional life!

Sometimes this takes forever, and the dysfunctional partner would rather deny this documented truth.. and keep on keeping on in one miserable relationship after the other... until they too will one day "get it" and demand the dysfunctional partner they happen to be with at the time.. "gets it" as well.. or the newly healthier partner will finally leave the unhealthy relationship.. and finally "get" why once upon a time.. one of their own healthier partners left them, even tho it broke the partner at the time's heart to do it...

I challenge any of ya to prove me wrong here.. professionals and laymen alike..

I also plead with anyone that knows this to be true.. who sees it in their own dysfunctional world to comment.

References for this post came from .. many sources.. the latest I can think of off the top of my head are...


Toxic Parents by Dr Susan Foward

Listening with a third ear by Dr. Theodore Relick a student of Freud

The 3rd edition of the handbook of psychiatry by Philip Solomon and Vernon D Patch

When he's married to mom By Keith M. Adams

Patterns of child abuse; How dysfunctional transactions are replicated in individuals, families, and the child welfare system

+ + + so many more


When He?s Married to Mom Dr. Kenneth M. Adams and Associates, P.C.

Excerpt - In his unconscious – and sometimes conscious – mind, a mother-enmeshed man is representing his mother’s interests, while his own have become secondary. If he does something he thinks she wouldn’t like, he feels disloyal to her. If he "gets serious" about a woman, suddenly, without understanding why, he is overwhelmed with feelings of fear, anxiety, and guilt. Ambivalence and withdrawal inevitably follow.

Transference - Psychotherapy Treatment And Psychotherapist Information

The link above is awesome and shows how this plays out using three circles and a non triangle... lol go look and see for yourself.

I could post a zillion links but this one spells it out clear enough

Heres one more for the hell of it..

Solutions for Emotional Incest & Dysfunctional Relationships: Telephone Coaching

What other issues might someone be facing that was raised by an over bearing, dominating, selfish, evil parent?

Here's a few links on that ...

Passive Aggression

PTypes - Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder Criteria

PTypes - Avoidant Personality Disorder CriteriaNegativistic (Passive-Aggressive) Personality Disorder

People diagnosed with the Negativistic (Passive-Aggressive) Personality Disorder resemble narcissists in some important respects.

Despite the obstructive role they play, passive-aggressives feel unappreciated, underpaid, cheated, and misunderstood.

They chronically complain, whine, carp, and criticize.

They blame their failures and defeats on others, posing as martyrs and victims.

Passive-aggressiveness has a lot in common with pathological narcissism: the destructive envy, the recurrent attempts to buttress grandiose fantasies of omnipotence and omniscience, the lack of impulse control, the deficient ability to empathize, and the sense of entitlement, often incommensurate with its real-life achievements.


Karlene Gordon said...

Excellent coverage, explanation and conclusion.
I feel I need to call you Doc. even before you actually get your PHD. Your information is solid and your diligence admirable.
Keep up the 'excellent' work you have been 'called' to do

Anonymous said...

i was blown away by you being able to hit the nail on the head for me, yes i am the other half or the stand in figure for a very dysfunctional mother/son relationship and all that has happened is that i have been used, walked over and blamed time and again for his lousy upbringing. i love him deeply but he is destroying me, so after 5yrs as what i now term the whipping post, i choose to take my broken heart and run.He has no desire to break free from the dysfunction, get counselling or move forward, in fact his entire family of three sisters and a divorced mother seem to revel in their game of "life and drama" and the "feel sorry for me " and the related horror stories have grown thin after many a telling at drunken family gatherings. ther has to be a moving forward in my opinion and a will to improve ones life to "normal society norms. thank you for allowing me comment and God bless you.