Monday, March 12, 2007

What happened to that spark?

This man keeps me smiling-He has a tough job- I'd hate to be him!

Current mood: numb

When this all started..

(Being alienated from my children)

Some of the feelings I was having were...

Originally- Low, sad, down, glum, frustrated, aggravated, distressed, discouraged, bothered, bleak, drab, hopeless, anxious..

Then somehow those feelings became better described as...

Mid way- Depressed, angry, miserable, dejected, dismal..

Then it appears I went through a phase where I was...

Determined, Destined to obtain justice, Forceful, Powerful,

However athough I alternate between Determined, destined,forceful, powerful, and on a mission, as I will not stop until there is justice..

More often than not lately, I am begining to feel ...

NOW- Detached , Disconnected, Paralyzed, Anesthetized, Sedated, Numb, Unresponsive, Isolated, Separated, hebetate, Indifferent, Frozen, Looking in from the outside, Like I am deep within ..The Twilight zone! Standing alone..

I don't understand how the powers that be, stand by, put more money in their pockets and call it a day...

Knowing full well famililes are destroyed, people are killing themselves, children and parents are on forced medication, foster children are more often than not abused if not killed, in the homes the system put them into.

What the hell is going on?

Have our precious children become-Modern day slaves?

What are my/our children feeling? PTSD and or Stockholm syndrome...just for starters!

I have trouble focusing, concentrating, smiling, and or getting through another day!

The more I learn the more I become Paralyzed from disbelief ..

I googled some of the collective feelings I am having, and wasn't shocked at the results I found..

Using the words..detached shut down and emotionally numb,

Here are the Google results...CPJ online - April 2004: Dissociation247)4
Indeed, many self-injurers report, (1) feeling 'emotionally numb', 'detached from themselves' or 'dead ... Emotional Shutdown. Numbing, dissociation from

Domestic Abuse... Feeling emotionally overwhelmed, or having emotions get out of control ... not wanting to talk; Feeling emotionally detached, "shut down", numb, Trauma [ PTSD ]

Feeling numb and detached from others, being withdrawn and avoiding social ... in which case don't force them because they might shut down on you. Stress Disorder (PTSD) Medical Reference Medical ...

If your body does not generate enough cortisol to shut down the flight or ... A parent who is emotionally detached, or numb, might be unable to cope with ...

This insanity needs to stop!

Although I have the most amaging man standing beside me through all of this, he never had children.

I don't think you can understand these feelings unless this has happened to you!

I also know I have the support of other parents in this situation, but as much as we are together in this, each of us still stands alone at night looking into the mirror, or tosses and turns trying to fall asleep every night, wondering ...

How the hell did this happen!

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